I have no idea, and that’s okay

I just watched the worst movie I’ve seen in a while. Post Grad. I would not recommend it. But something that one of the characters said stuck with me:

“What you do with your life is really just one half of the equation. The other half, the more important half really, is who you’re with when you’re doing it.”

This is cheesy, I know. But sometimes cheese speaks the truth.

When I first moved to Germany, I felt quite fulfilled. My job alone was very fulfilling to me, and traveling on weekends and breaks added to that. Meeting people from around the world all the time was exciting. Eventually the honeymoon phase came to an end. I started seeing some real problems with my school. In fact, I feel like I was so naive when I look back at my inspired posts about education. Traveling every weekend became exhausting. Meeting new people all the time was getting repetitive and always surface-level. I was missing the pleasure of just doing “nothing” with someone whom I love and who loves me. If I had a stressful week at work, then I felt stressed at home because work is the center of my life when I don’t have a whole lot else going on. Since I started really feeling this way, I have made myself have a bit more going on, and I do have a very close friend here whom I love and who loves me. And I have colleagues who genuinely care about me and, although they probably don’t realize it, they’ve helped me get through stressful times when I was feeling a lot of anxiety. All of this helps me feel fulfilled and I’m so thankful for that.

Moving to a country where I didn’t know a soul and making a life here has helped me realize what fulfills me. Inspiration at a job can only last so long because nothing is ideal, and that’s okay. It’s okay because that’s only “one half of the equation.” It’s not enough without being with the love of my life, my family, and my friends who have known me for years. Yes, the job and adventure was deeply satisfying for a while (and I still need adventure in my life!), but when “normal” kicks in then you need your people. I do have friends here whom I will miss dearly and will be heartbroken to leave, and I still do love this city. But the need to go back, for the next chapter or two of my life anyway, overpowers this.

I told my school just recently that I’m moving back to the USA this summer. A couple months ago I was expressing that it’s up in the air and that ideally Bori would be able to transfer to his company’s office in England and that I’d stay and we’d be able to visit each other a couple times a month. A long while ago, that was ideal for us. Bori does want to be in Europe too, but the timing is not right anymore for his job or for me, especially if we still would have to live in different countries. Regardless, teaching at an international school in Europe was my dream job and maybe I’m an idiot for wanting to give it up. I’m good at what I do, and it certainly is rewarding in ways, and never boring. But there’s a whole other side of this job which makes me so unhappy and stressed. It took me some time to admit to myself that I don’t see myself at this school next year. In fact, I don’t see myself teaching at any school next year. Cue: my dramatic identity crisis.

Throughout university and up until now, I felt like I knew myself very well. I have been so incredibly wrong about some major things over the last several years, so I’m going to stop telling myself that I know myself well and that I am certain of what I want/need.

My whole life, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. And now, I’m considering exploring other careers. I don’t know if I can handle being a high school teacher for much longer. The book I’m reading, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F–k,” has made me question “what am I willing to suffer for” in terms of a job, or any goal for that matter. Every career has some BS and bureaucracy and annoying paperwork etc. I think this is a valuable question to ask yourself though – it kind of puts things in perspective. Another relevant teaching from my book is “the more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know.” Thinking that I “know myself” can actually close doors. Knowing that I don’t know anything allows for more opportunities to explore and grow and not assume.

I’m planning on doing graduate school once I move back. I’ll study something like applied math. Maybe I’ll be exposed to a field that I’d be more willing to “suffer” for. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll find that teaching at a community college or something other than high school is what I really want. Or maybe I’ll rediscover that teaching high school IS indeed where I want to be. I have no idea. And that’s okay. I finally believe that. And I’m kind of excited. 🙂